No Boundaries

Mark and I met 4 years ago in the police academy. I am 47, he is 33. At the time, I was married to a wonderful man named John, who was also a deputy sheriff. Mark always had a crush on me, but knew there was no way we could have a relationship. I did the next best thing...I made a crusade of setting him up with my girlfriends because he was so nice. I even joked with him and said if I wasn't married, I'd date him myself.

Last November, my world turned upside down when John died unexpectedly at home of a massive heart attack. He was 59.

Mark called me to offer help mowing the yard, or doing whatever I needed, because he and John were also friends and served with the same police department. I said I'd really rather go out and get away from the house with someone with whom I didn't have to put on a front for. The next night we went out for dinner. It was very strange being with someone else, even a male friend, who wasn't John. But Mark hung in there.

Every evening after my bereavement group, I'd go to Mark's house, sit on the couch and cry, then I'd leave. This went on for months.

The relationship evolved gradually, until it's reached the place where we are now. Mark and I will be married on 01-14-00. This was my parents anniversary, and since they have both passed on, it was my way of including them in the ceremony.

My biggest problem with the age gap was I have never been the older partner, and I wasn't quite sure I was ready to be the "old lady" of the relationship. I did everything in my power to discourage Mark from committing to me. I told him I'd die first, then he'd be where I am now. I told him I can't have children, so he should find a younger woman to have a family with. I'm 7 years younger than his mother! He let me rant, and when I ran out of steam, he was still there. He was unshakable in his devotion.

Our friends have all been very supportive, and the only comment they've made has been "you go girl!!" I personally don't notice anyone staring at us, but I really don't care if they do. I don't have to be lonely anymore, and I consider this relationship a gift that I don't plan to lose.

I was the partner in the relationship to have the big problem with the age gap. I thought it wasn't fair of me to saddle Mark with a woman so much older, while I thought nothing about John being 13 years older than me. Perhaps it's the stereotype that it's ok if a woman is with an older man, but older women with younger men are looked at differently. I had to speak with a counselor to resolve these issues in my mind and make it ok to go on.

My advice to anyone in an age gap relationship is to carry on as if there are no differences, just the usual ups and downs every union has. There are enough problems in the world without worrying who is older and how you look together.